Imposter

IMPOSTER

Sitting in a room full of black ties
And humming fluorescent lights
Bleached smiles talking small
Blending in is my version of flight 
But all of these legacy pledges
First class globe trotters
Generational benefactors
These perfect sons and daughters
They hear me, look at me
Like they know where I've been
Assuming vanilla histories
Like maybe we can be friends

As if theyd mopped my mother's blood
Off of a bathroom floor
Or dialed nine one one 
While hiding behind a kitchen door
How I could tell casual stories
About prostitution and beer baths
Or how broken psyches and buried memories
Can make us question our past
How anxieties and depressive states
Juggle realities to endless confusion
Am I a conquerer or am I a victim
Fear or happiness, what's the illusion 

Yet I persist, I take the stage
Step to my designate mark
I posture and I project
I follow their story's arc
I speak of a better place
Though our circumstances seem dire
I shout, we can change our world
I seek to elevate and inspire
But I don't belong here, I'm an imposter
If they could only see my dreams
I pretend that I can change the world
I couldn't even change me

ABSOLUTION

A broken old man stands in the aisle
His hour is late, he confesses his sins
A congregation weeps at the sordid tale
To be godly is to forgive
But no one asks about the slaughtered
Victims aren't meant to be whole
No prayers are raised for the daughter
They feather dust a blood stained soul
Because somewhere that daughter wanders
Alive or dead, her life is long lost
The old man never says her name
To get to heaven, she's a small cost
Unaccountable absolution
No price is paid for the cleanest slate
Convenient that forgiveness is divine
When your crimes are hidden from the state

Deathbed Confessions

 

I woke from a nightmare
Into a dream, air so thick and blue
It muffles my panicked screams
I'm enraged but I cannot move
They found me, somehow
Hiding in a dream within a dream
I can't remember who, but those hands
My eyes snap open, I weep

It's the things we know without knowing
Feigning innocence in our ignorance
The things we survive without coping
Quiet lies we use to bury our past

I must concede it, they're deep seeded
Evil seeds buried in the depest tomb
I've poured concrete over salted gardens
To keep from being overgrown
From being over thrown by ancient sins
The root of a family's weeds
Praying if they never see the light
That I'll always be safe in dreams

I'll always be safe, it seems
Is the lie upon which I was built
Strong hands, a quiet demeanor
And a constant admission of guilt
As if owning all of the errors
Granted me some form of control
Just a thin and cracking illusion
Concrete breaking over blackened soil

Hurt people hurt people
And it's too late to say I'll never pass on that sin
But how much blame can I take
When I was barely even ten
And how do you relive these moments
That you were forced to forget
That everyone else seemed so ready to forgive 
Deathbed confessions, they're all bullshit